It was on July 2013 when I last posted here in my band's blog site. At that point, I still did not have any plans to go back into songwriting. Though I did mention that one day maybe Thoughts And Notions will be back. From 2013 to 2020, I wasn't really active in pursuing songwriting again. I had other things to focus on. For one, I have a growing family that needs my attention. Secondly, as a recent transferee to Metro Manila, I had to learn how to cope up with a big bustling city. I came from a laid back city like Cagayan de Oro. So Manila is technically new to me. And lastly, with a job that requires a huge responsibility, I have to prove my worth that I could compete with the big boys of Metro Manila. So songwriting took a backseat. Everything went fine, there was no challenges big enough that would cause me to wilt. I had the support of the people and family around me. I also had to take my mind off from work by engaging in other hobbies. Like toy collecting for one. Or my love for comic books (I have a separate blog about this) And then the Pandemic hit.
We thought the Pandemic would last for a month or so. But the initial months turned into a year. And it seemed the people around me began losing hope or dealt with death. I for one encountered some sleepless nights as I dealt with anxiety of a life that is on a constant loop. It was like Groundhog Day over and over again as we are stuck living in a bubble. Some people dealt with these anxieties by taking up new hobbies like cooking, or being a home gardener. My hobby on the other hand no longer brought joy to me. It made me feel empty. So those sleepless nights began to come more frequently. I no longer understand what was happening. Maybe all this hopelessness and sadness around me is taking a toll on me. It's like I was sucked in with this negative vortex of emotions. I was lost in the midst of this pandemic. Now I haven't been faithful with my spiritual life as I used to be. Sometimes success would lead us to a point where we take our Faith for granted, or God for granted. But before the Pandemic hit, I was back to going to Church on Sundays. I figured that it was about time that I take my family with me in a place of worship. I however missed the spiritual community life. After all, I did belong to one in CDO. It just feels different and better to grow spiritually within a community.
So amidst all of these sleepless nights, there came a point that I had to break down in tears. Because I no longer understand what was happening. All I could do was to kneel down and pray, and started a conversation with God. Now to be clear, it isn't like my unfaithfulness or lack of spiritual life has caused God to punish me or bless me less. I was still blessed. But there was something missing that I could not put my finger on. So that prayer, turned into a normal conversation with God. I just needed someone to talk to apart from the usual people that I am surrounded with. Just to unload this heavy negativity that seemed to surround me. This became a normal occurrence where I would just converse with God. Now when you say conversation, it is a two way communication. So I also learned to listen. The beat of my heart. The thoughts that would run through my head as I am in prayer. And basically, just what God wants to tell me. I just listened and let God take away the burden that I'm carrying, all these negative emotions that I have and just stay still in the comfort of his heart. And it worked. Those sleepless nights turned less and less.
With what I was dealing with, I also started reaching out to old friends. Some that I was estranged with. Or those that I haven't talked to lately. Wilbert (our multi-talented musician and my songwriting partner and sound engineer) asked me if I have talked to Thrina lately. I said I haven't because I couldn't seem to find her Facebook account. I did a quick search after that and managed to find her and sent her a message. Just to reconnect and ask how things have been. I also did the same to the others who became a part of Thoughts And Notions and started a group chat. It was Wilbert's idea that we should have a reunion of some sort. It was good to hear that everyone is doing well in these very dark times. One was even able to triumph a very dark phase in his life. Though it really saddened and shocked me that he had to went through that period of his life, I was elated however that he was able to win that battle. But his experience strucked me.
So one day, I was sifting through my band's old e-mails as I planned to clean up the junk mails that I received through the years. I have never opened the band's e-mail for close to 10 years since. And amazingly, as I was reading some of the old e-mails, I would come across with messages from random people who were able to listen to our songs. Some even from those years when the band was inactive and they were wondering where we have been. From out of nowhere, they would tell us how our songs uplifted their wounded heart. Or how it inspired them to live life better, or to be closer to God. So as I was reading the e-mails (and this old blog too), somehow I encountered a flashback of the times when I was still so active in this songwriting endeavor. I was reminded why I started Thoughts And Notions in the first place. It was never about us. It was always about the songs, our talents, all these gifts from God and how he would use us as his instrument. Somehow it felt like God was speaking to me through my old writings and messages from our listeners and audiences some 15 years ago or so.
Since I have been so off from the music industry, I had to re-study where the industry is now. I was still on the fence if I should re-engage myself in this one passion (songwriting) that I have left behind. Everything in the music industry started to look different and daunting for me. Then one day I had a random conversation with Mark Escueta of Rivermaya (my all time favorite OPM band). I shared to him that I was studying these online digital streaming services. He surprisingly asked me if I was writing songs again. I said I haven't, but an old bandmate (John Fernandez) was reworking an old song. And I kind of changed some words of the song to make it fit our current predicament. I let him listen to the unfinished song demo and he replied that I should release it. At that point, I wasn't really sure if I should but if God so wills it, then I'd just have to abide. And then he said I'll introduce you to a digital distributor.
And with that, here I am now. Close to the edge of diving back to an old mission of mine. With old friends of mine (Wilbert, Thrina, John, Adonis, Doris, Erickson, Tim, Alvin, Jun2x). I guess if this is God's plan, then all the writings are in the wall. From my bout with anxiety, my re-establishment of my relationship with God, connecting with old friends, messages from the past, and that one little push from a musician friend that I look up to. I'm starting to write lyrics again. I'm starting to write/talk about the experience of finding God's LOVE again. I'm starting to look at my imperfections and channel it in a way that I could share those imperfections to an audience that is willing to listen again. And as our Band Thoughts And Notions was conceptualized and built with a mission to help "Uplift Wounded Souls", it just dawned on me that THAT "wounded soul" some 20 years ago, is the same "wounded soul" 20 years after. That "wounded soul" is ME. And I'm writing again to help "wounded souls" like me discover God's love once more! With that realization, I guess I could say that Thoughts And Notions is BACK!
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